Another go at IVF.....

I am currently in my 2ww and am going CRAZY!!!!

I am 7dp 3dt. We transfered 2 8 cell embies and I am so excited. I took a test this morning because I couldn't wait any longer and.....There was a line!!! It came up positive and R and I couldn't believe it. It was so faint both of us were unsure if it was actually there. About 30 min after the line was gone...So now we aren't sure if it was there or if it was just the test....

I guess we will have to wait for a couple more days and test again!!

Brighter and better....

I have come here a few times since my last post and started to write but then never posted anything so I figured it was time.

My heart is still broken but on its way to mending...
I finally got some closure from M...A nasty email that hurt so much I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through all of this, but I have and am starting to feel better each day. I still have some bad days but I think thats normal and sooner or later there will be fewer.

I have packed up his room which was very difficult for me but I knew it needed to be done. I still go in there from time to time on days that are really bad and I feel like I need to be with him...But I do try to stay out of there since it is a very painful place for me.

We have started talking about other options to staring a family....IVF again or egg donor and maybe one day adoption again.
I'm not 100% sure which way we will go but I do know that we are working through this together and no matter what we have each other.

Things are looking brighter and better every day...

A week...

It's been a week...but feels like it's been a year.

This time last week we were on our way home without K.
When I think back over everything that happen with M I'm STILL shocked she changed her mind.

The pain of all this seems more real now though that the shock has worn off.
I find myself in his room more and more these last few days...Sitting there crying...thinking about all the things we planned for him.
R thinks we should pack the room up but I don't think I can...It's as if it's the only thing I have that can bring me back to him.(If that makes any sense) He is probably right and it should get packed up but I don't think my heart can handle that right now.
I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him.

As for M I feel myself at times hating her and wishing more then ever that I hadn't trusted her so much, or open myself up to her the way I did and then at the same time I miss her and I try to tell myself to understand that she was young, scared, confused and hurting when she left him there with us as much as I was when we left him there with her.

R and I have booked a trip...We leave this Sat. He is so excited, me not so much.
I have this fear that we will go and I wont be able to hide away from the world.
Like I have been doing here. I have been out around here since it all happen but it's been very hard...How am I going to get through days when it's almost impossible to get through a trip to the mall without having to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes so people wont stare at me while I am crying because I saw a pregnant women, or a little baby crying, or even an 8 yr old boy just talking to his dad.
I hope I can make it through this trip...

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

A letter...

Dear K,

I know you will never see this and more then likely never know the plans that were made for you before you were born.

That you will never know how much you were loved by people you will never know. How I held you and that you looked into my eyes and I knew right then...I would love you forever.

When everything changed at first, when they told us you were not coming home with us that day I wished we never had those days together but now I am so grateful for them. I wouldn't change a thing.

Those days together I got to know you and how you loved your head being stroked so much your eyes would roll back(so adorable) and how you HATED having your diaper put on and you would scream until it was on, but then if you had your soother while changing it you were fine, how you pooped every
time I would change you and even "sprayed" me twice!!! 

I also got to see a side of R I have never seen...A sparkle in his eye, the smile on his face while we sat there beside you, he talked about you and how he was going to play ball hockey in the driveway with you. All the plans he had for you.
He truly loves you!

Its only been two days since I saw you and my arms ache so much to hold you, I have no idea how I will make it through this life without you.

All I can do is pray you will grow up and be happy with your life and wish for you to be strong no matter what...Know you can be whoever/whatever you want to be!
That life is hard at times but also has joy and to always try and remember the joy during the hard times, that is what will help you get through.

The time we had with you was very short but the memories will last a life time.

I love you!

Another day...

Every year since I can remember I couldnt wait for Christmas to come and the first snow fall....But now the snow is falling and my favorite time of the year is right around the corner and none of that seems to matter now.

I woke up this morning and for a quick second I "forgot" what had happen and then it all came back to me like it did when it happen. The shock, emptiness, ache in my heart...Was back...Again!

Thinking of her holding him, feeding him, and knowing I will never see him again is so unbearable I have been trying to keep myself busy so that those thoughts wont creep back into my head.

I find myself wondering will she call and say this was a mistake ,  I cant do it, come and get your son and then I quickly tell myself that she wont and my heart breaks all over again.
R has stayed home from work to be with me but has thrown himself into his own work as well...We look at each other and we know without a word spoken...We both miss him already and have no idea what we are going to do without him?!?

I asked him today when this pain will go away and he said he doesnt think it will...It will always be there in some way or another.

I guess for now we need to take it day by day.

What do you do?

When a pain happens to us that is so unbearable and we dont know how to move on and we look to the people that are closest to us for support.

I can't imagine going through this without R and without our family and close friends and I thank them for every supportive word or hug or just sitting there quietly while I cry!

M has changed her mind...and how can I blame her. He is so amazing, beautiful, absolutely a dream come true.
Holding him, feeding him, sleeping with him and looking into his beautiful eyes and being called "mom" I cant even explain the joy I felt.

I dont know how to look at R now and not think about how I am the reason he has felt so much pain today. To know that he loved him with everything he had and he will never be the same after this...We will never be then same.
If my fertility was never and issue we would never have knows all this pain, but then we would never have known him...Our son for a very short but wonderful period of time...

Time is the only thing we have right now and I know with each others love and support we will make it though this...Together!!!